Structured chaos

Taming the art judging overlords

Hello Friend,

This week I watched a time-lapse art video on IG of someone creating a really cool black and white pattern with gold accents and thought, “Ooh, I’d like to try that.” So I got out the paper and started drawing. But I forgot to remind my social-media-consuming brain that even though the video was only two minutes long, it surely must have taken hours for them to complete the drawing (not to mention editing the video), and I found myself frustrated that I wasn’t doing it faster, better, and already finished with it by now.

Applying that type of pressure is pretty much the opposite of being in the flow, and naturally I decided to top it off with turning you, my dear readers, into a group of art judging overlords who were not only going to find this week’s newsletter to be subpar, but who would also publicly reject me and unsubscribe in droves.

(Would this be a strange time to insert a subscribe button? 😂)

Of course I know you’re not that. And by applying my inner critic to you, I’m just making myself more scared and paralyzed in the creative process.

I’m not sure what I’m getting out of this torture chamber that I repeatedly create, but I do know I’m getting better at recognizing it and being able to move through it when it does happen. After all, Meryl Streep still gets stage fright, so accepting that it will always be with me to some degree seems like a good idea.

Tanya Madoff, Taming Thoughts 2024

As I continued to work on the drawing, it felt like each little bubble contained some of my thoughts and I was working on sorting through them, observing the “mistakes,” and finding the beauty amongst the chaos.

It’s a strange thing that when I get out of my own way, I’m often pleasantly surprised by what I’ve created. It’s a good reminder to myself to jump in without expecting to have first banished all fears or concerns. Sometimes I’m creating to escape and sometimes it’s a way to make sense of the complexity and the chaos, and sometimes I don’t even know how or why, I just know I feel better after doing it.

Thanks for being on the journey with me, I’m so grateful you’re here. 😊

xo,

Tanya